What You Need to Know About Her Sexual Desire

You’re at home, relaxing, watching TV when you notice your female partner walk by. You think: “she looks good.” And you find yourself suddenly thinking about sex. You walk over to playfully put your arms around her and suggest going to the bedroom. Except that instead of turning around and kissing you passionately, like you had hoped, she rolls her eyes, removes your hands from her waist and says: “are you kidding me!?”

There is a pervasive belief that men are always in the mood to have sex while women are the gatekeepers who say yes or no to men’s sexual advances. And while that dynamic is certainly true for some men and women, we know from the research that women are actually just as likely to be the partner in a heterosexual relationship who has a higher interest in sex.

Put another way, that means that if you feel you often want sex but your female partner doesn’t , there is a pretty good chance that she actually has more sexual desire than you may realize. So what’s getting in the way of that scenario I just described going more favourably for you both? There are three key things about women’s sexuality to consider.

Let Her Relax So She Can Focus And Enjoy The Moment

There is a saying that the sexiest thing a husband can do is pull out the vacuum. And there just may be some truth to it.

That’s because one of the biggest things that contributes to higher sexual interest and enjoyment for women is feeling relaxed so they want to engage in, and can enjoy, sexual activities. But this is really hard to do when she is feeling overwhelmed and stressed with a million other things that are vying for her attention. Many women admit to making “to-do” lists during sex or even saying no to sex because they can’t relax until the dishes are put away (the bed is made, the kids are sleeping, their work deadline is met, the list goes on and on).

An unhelpful response to this sounds something like: “Come on, sex will help you relax!” And although there is scientific proof to this sometimes being true (i.e., sex can lead to orgasm which releases Oxytocin which can, in turn, help us feel more calm and at ease) saying these words will almost never work for a woman who is running around madly trying to keep her life (and the rest of the family’s lives) in order because it doesn’t actually address the root of the problem.

What can you do instead? Focus your attention on non sexual areas. Instead of trying to get her in the mood by honing your oral sex skills, focus more on the circumstances surrounding sex. If she is running around picking up dirty clothes, getting groceries and meeting work deadlines, ask how you can reduce her stress. Offer to vacuum or to take care of the kids so she can focus on work for a couple of extra hours. If you can help her with the things that are stressing her out, not only will she likely feel more cared for and loved, but it also has a better chance of reducing her mental load and helps to make space to think about the possibility of sex.

Don’t Rush. The Slower The Better

While there is certainly no “one-size-fits-all” for men’s sexuality, more often than not men report that their sexual desire is somewhat spontaneous in nature. It comes on fairly suddenly and once men are in the mood they can move forward with sexual activity relatively seamlessly. In contrast, women’s sexual desire is more often responsive in nature. Meaning that most women take time to “warm up” to the idea of engaging in sexual activity. They may initially feel sexually neutral (or even uninterested) but in the right circumstances they could experience building desire.

But just because you might like when she initiates sex out of the blue, chances are that reciprocating that sudden initiation will not work for her. Going straight for her erogenous zones (like her breasts or butt) while she is writing at her computer or making dinner may not do the trick as she may not be in a mentally sexual space, nor able to transition to one immediately. Instead these spontaneous moves could be perceived as invasive and unwanted.

What to try instead? Engage in pre-sex foreplay. And I’m not talking about kissing and heavy petting that we traditionally think about when we hear the word “foreplay.” I’m talking about setting the stage long before that. That’s because a lot of women indicate that they need to feel close and connected to their partner in order to want to have sex. Sometimes that means having a good conversation to feel more on the same page.

For some that means flirting and being romantic throughout the day (or even days). For others it could mean engaging in an activity together like cooking a meal or a dance class. (Or maybe all three!). But what you definitely don’t want to do is initiate sex in a way that doesn’t give her time reflect on whether or not she’s in the mood. Her first, in-the-moment evaluation of whether or not she is interested when she is caught off guard is more likely going to be no than yes. And then you’re left feeling sexually frustrated – and chances are so is she.

Share Your Thoughts Openly And Make Things Pleasant And Healthy

We are all responsible for our own sexual pleasure. But some women have difficult times asking for what they want in bed. And this is because most women have learned through years of socialization that they shouldn’t enjoy being sexual. In fact, I have yet to meet a woman who hasn’t received the message while she was a teenager that “good girls don’t (or shouldn’t) like sex” or who hasn’t been warned about their reputation if they “give it up too fast”. Then women enter into a romantic, sexual relationship and they are expected to be open and comfortable with sex and know what they like. Not an easy thing to do.

So don’t assume you know what she likes. In fact, you shouldn’t even focus your energies on guessing. There is a stereotype that men should be responsible for women’s pleasure. They face pressure that men should just know how to touch. When. Where. How much. But no one is a mind reader – not even Don Juan.

What you should do instead? Ask your partner what she likes. Ask her when she likes having sex (Late at night? First thing in the morning? Right after coming home from work?). What kind of sex she likes having (What position? Gentle or on the rougher side? Creative and different or predictable and routine?). What her favourite sexual experience with you was and why. And be aware that even if you’ve asked what she likes, really listen. Pay attention, and maybe even ask again. Because it could take her a while to feel comfortable and safe enough to share. Or it may take time for her to consider what it is that she does like. But sharing our sexual wants and needs helps our partner better meet our sexual needs and initiate accordingly.

There are plenty of things that impact women’s sexual desire. But by focusing on stress reduction, creating a slow build up to sex, and exploring sexual preferences you could discover that what you thought was absent sexual desire was perhaps only temporarily dormant instead.