How Important Is Attachment When It Comes to Sexual Desire?

There are times in any intimate relationship when one partner feels turned on and is interested in having sex, but their partner isn’t in the mood. For some couples, this may happen relatively infrequently, whereas other couples may find themselves regularly navigating the challenges of having one partner who consistently wants more sex than the other.

Different levels of interest in sex, termed sexual desire discrepancies, are common in intimate relationships (in fact, they are one of the most frequently reported sexual issues that couples bring to therapy).

Yet, the way that desire discrepancies affect relationships vary, and researchers are still working to better understand the nuances of how sexual desire discrepancies impact sexual and romantic relationships.

The study

In a new study, recently published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, researchers explored how sexual desire discrepancies influenced sexual and relationship satisfaction, as well as whether these associations may be affected by participants’ attachment orientations.

The study included 100 heterosexual couples living in Saudi Arabia who were over the age of 18. Women’s ages ranged from 18 to 48 years old (average age was 30.78 years). Men’s ages ranged from 21 to 63 years old (average age was 35.94 years). The average relationship length was 8.4 years.

Participants were given questionnaires and asked to complete them independently from their partners. The measures included several demographic items as well as scales that measured sexual functioning, sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, sexual desire, and attachment orientations.

How do sexual desire discrepancies affect intimate relationships?

Of the 100 couples that participated in the study, 94 couples were found to have some degree of desire discrepancy. For 22 of these couples, the woman reported higher sexual desire, and in 72 couples, the man reported higher sexual desire. The remaining six couples reported the same level of desire (i.e., there was no desire discrepancy).

Both men’s and women’s sexual desire was significantly and positively associated with better sexual function, higher sexual satisfaction, and higher relationship satisfaction. Further, both men and women reported better sexual function, more sexual satisfaction, and more relationship satisfaction when they were in agreement on higher levels of desire compared to being in agreement on lower levels of sexual desire.

In cases of desire discrepancy (that is when couples did not report the same level of sexual desire), couples in this study were more satisfied sexually when the man reported higher desire than the woman partner.

Does attachment orientation play a role?

The findings from this study suggested that men’s and women’s higher levels of desire were associated with lower avoidant attachment scores and, in contrast, associated with higher anxious attachment scores.

Men with lower avoidant attachment reported better sexual function when partners were in agreement on higher levels of sexual desire compared to when they were in agreement with lower desire. Men with lower avoidant attachment scores also reported better sexual functioning when their own sexual desire was higher than the sexual desire of their female partner compared to when their partner’s desire was higher than their own.

Women reported better sexual function when partners were in agreement on higher levels of desire, particularly when their male partners scored higher on attachment anxiety. Women with higher scores on attachment avoidance reported more relationship satisfaction the more the partners were mismatched on desire.

What do these findings mean?

The findings from this study suggest that higher sexual desire generally leads to more positive sexual and relational outcomes for couples, including better sexual function, higher sexual satisfaction, and higher relationship satisfaction. Even when a discrepancy existed, couples fared better in terms of sexual function and satisfaction when both members of the couple reported higher levels of desire.

Gender also played a role in how sexual desire discrepancies were experienced. Specifically, women in this study reported higher sexual satisfaction when their partner’s level of desire was higher than their own (and lower sexual satisfaction when their desire was higher than their male partners). These findings suggest that when men do not abide by the expectation that their desire should not only be high but that it should be higher than women’s sexual desire, it can be distressing for heterosexual relationships.

Attachment also appears to play a key role in how sexual desire discrepancies impact relationships. Specifically, attachment avoidance was associated with lower sexual desire for men and women, whereas attachment anxiety was associated with higher desire. This finding reinforces the idea that individuals higher in avoidant attachment may have less of an interest in sex as a way of avoiding intimacy, whereas individuals higher in anxious attachment may use sex as a way to connect or seek reassurance from their partners.                   

Take-away

Sexual desire discrepancies are common occurrences in intimate relationships. The findings from this study suggest that not all sexual desire discrepancies are created equal. Overall levels of desire in a couple (even when a discrepancy exists), the gender of the partner who has the higher desire, and attachment orientation all appear to play a role in how desire discrepancies impact sexual and intimate relationships.